My heart won't slow down?

I've been completely off antidepressants for about a month and even though I'm not doing very well off of them, I'm still functioning enough to go to work and do my sport which is riding horses, and blah blah. It is all I can do to not get so frustrated at work since I work retail and you have to have TONS of patience with customers and those coupons and coworkers stealing your sales. It's all I can do not to walk out but so far, I've managed to stay inside and keep the job. I am very stressed out about money, and feeling like I'm going nowhere in life, which I'm really not. Each day is just the same, with no moving forward. But I refuse to take the medication again bc I'm angry and stubborn and don't want the chemicals. When I'm about to get my period, it's like c'mere let me strangle you. I take evening primrose, St. Johns Wart and 5-Htp but really, I just started the last two today. I'm thinking being off the antidepressants is making my heart race like this. I have a cardiologist appt on monday. I'm on beta blockers but they only have been stopping my heart from pounding but it still races. In all, I feel terrible. But I have been in therapy for 6 years and have skills to deal with this. I'm just trying to hold on, keep going, putting one foot in front of the other. I'm scared I'll keep feeling worse. I feel like I need anger management at work. Being at the mall full time is WAY overstimulating for me, who is laid-back, type B, and introverted. This is all very hard. It hurts a lot. It's hard to find a new job, I feel helpless. At times, I feel alien to the world. I look at people and it's like they aren't even the same species as me. Sometimes, when I'm in the crowded mall, there are freakin people everywhere and it feels like a plague. I stop bc someone ran into me, crushed my foot with their baby stroller, or cut in front of me, and I just try to make all the noise seem far away. it's like in the movies when someone is thinking or stressed and everything blurs out and spins and spins around them, and they are standing there and all the noise is far away and they are staring into space. I'm so immature sometimes. I don't know where I got this notion that someone is going to save me, but it's all I wish for sometimes. I feel like I'm dependent and lazy. All I want is to be free. I don't feel like I'm going to make it in this life. I never have, really. And I don't want medicine to make me think otherwise. That seems so unnatural. Everything seems so huge and like a rat race to live. I don't want to run with the other rats. Please help, have you or anyone you know ever felt this way??